Using my Anger...

I have been completely reticent in my blogging due to my inability to stop shoving carb filled treats into my mouth. I am wracked with guilt and although I have not weighed myself, I am fairly certain that any progress I made a couple of weeks ago has disappeared. Its like the self-sacrifice never happened. I have eaten garlic bread, pizza, pasta, chicken nuggets, mcdonalds fries and chocolate in such excess that one would think I have an extra camel- like stomach where I am hoarding food for the winter (or this century's great depression - take your pick).

I feel AWFUL. There are no words to describe the guilt and anger I feel. I think I have hit rock bottom. There is no where else to go but up. With new, steel-like determination, I have made a promise to myself and to you, my steadfast supporters, that I will not fail again. It is NOT an option. If I am ever going to be happy with the way I look and the way I feel fitness-wise, I need to grow some gumption and willpower. I need to learn that food is not a comfort for stress. It may feel GREAT short-term but then when you get on the scale, the stress triples with the additional weight. My self-confidence plummets and I feel so lost again. Its depressing, disheartening and worst of all self destructive because not only am I decimating my self-esteem, I am actively destroying my health and well-being. I am done. Done feeling like a pretty girl trapped in a tub of lard. I am tired of being lazy. I am tired of feeling like this is who I am. Its NOT. I am better than this. I need to stop making excuses and just hit the ground running. I need to do this for ME. I have placed myself back at square 1. Nothing will get in my way now. Its GO time...

Wedding Weekend = Whale

For future reference, please note it is IMPOSSIBLE to be good while away at an out of town wedding. There are too many irresistable temptations and situational circumstances working against you. Here is an abridged list of what I had to work with:

- Nothing but greasy or carb filled airport food in my 2.5 hour layover in Chicago (to and from PA mind you)

- Rehearsal dinner menu consisting of mac n cheese, potatoes, polish sausage dogs, cookies and cake

- Wedding dinner menu consisting of sauce laden chicken, potatoes, pasta, bread and grilled veggies

- An open bar

- A hotel situated with only diners and a Chili's within a reasonable distance for breakfast and lunch options

- An indescribable hunger for all foods native to PA (sticky buns, fried ravioli, etc)

Is it any wonder that not only did I completely cheat the entire weekend but I crashed and burned? It was a failure of epic proportions. I WAS able to limit my beer consumption and that is literally the only dietary success that I can report at this time. Everything I ate this weekend is about as bad as you can imagine. I am not kidding. I refuse to go into the details. It will only work to make me even more miserable. I must now come to grips with my reality: I am a whale, a baby beluga that is currently beached on the shore. Someone, ANYONE, please push me back to sea. I am dying here.

Off the Ledge

Thank you to my wonderful support group who successfully talked me off the ledge. I am still on track and now very committed to getting results. Last night I ate a small Cobb salad with MINIMAL blue cheese. I had a fudgesicle for dessert. Today I had my requisite latte for breakfast and black bean soup for lunch. I am feeling pretty good about my consumption thus far but don't worry, disaster awaits. Here is my current dilemma. There is an MBA alumni event that I really want to attend but its an all you can eat-all you can drink sort of thing... The only thing worse than setting me free at an open bar is setting me free at an open bar with copious amounts of free food. Let's face it. If I attend, I am completely screwed. I will fall so far off the wagon that you will need to use a crane to lift me out of the hole I will create when gravity conspires with my increasingly supple ass as I hit the ground. I'm just sayin.'

So that is the current decision of the day. If I don't go to the alumni event, I can go home and watch the debates and drink by myself. Uh.... did that sound horribly depressing to anyone else? Anyway, I need to decide and fast; I still have some errands to run before funtivities begin so please reply with suggestions or general chastisement for the predicament in which I currently find myself. Mwah :)

Willpower Hanging on by a String

I weighed myself this morning. The scale has not budged. I feel like no matter how much I sacrifice, I am just not getting the results I want (and feel I deserve). In fact, I feel like that there isn't much point in putting myself through this misery. I am tired, irritable and hungry all the damn time. If this is the way its going to be, I would rather just accept my propensity to be rotund and get back to Thai noodles and cheeseburgers asap. I know I need to be patient but I have not had any changes in 5 days. FIVE DAYS. That is obscene and ridiculous. But worst of all, beyond demoralizing. Let's add to this abortion of a day by my finding out that all my work in generational demographic research and workforce planning has rubbed some of the more "mature" and "talented" employees in HR the wrong way because they think they are being made obsolete by younger workers. I am sorry but when 93% of your workforce is under 45, it just makes fiscal and practical sense to focus on the majority of your workforce and the workforce demographic you are anticipating in the future. You have to change with the times! Ugh. I got quite the email after my presentation yesterday when I talked about how T-Mobile should look at leveraging learning solutions that resonate with the Gen X and Gen Y workers. Somehow we should instead allocate a shitload of funds for 7% of the population that will be retiring in the next few years. Uhh... seriously? Grr.

I am clearly holding on by a thread and it is frail. Please friends, tell my why I should continue this charade when I am sooo obviously failing and unhappy? :(